“(Funerals) mark that something valuable, a human life, has passed. Whatever else a funeral does or does not do, it must do this.” —Tony Walter
I don’t attend funerals any more. I’d rather say farewell in a more personal and private manner.
Funerals are a way to publicly see and acknowledge a death. Yet I prefer to mourn in private. While grief shared may be grief diminished for some, for me the pain is intensified when experienced with others (perhaps some of M’s empathy has rubbed off). Plus, if I want to publicly mourn someone, there are other venues to do so, such as a well-written obituary or tribute.
Admittedly, part of my desire to avoid funerals has to do with religion. Since I’m an atheist, traditions of faith provide no comfort. I respect those who turn to religion during such difficult times, but the very notion of my trying to connect to the dead through any sort of deity feels both hypocritical and silly.
That said, the main reason why I dislike funerals is because the process places a giant wall between me and the deceased. That wall may be made of embalming fluid, or caked on make-up or $6,000 caskets sold to impoverished mourners. Such traditions are unnatural, far more unnatural than death itself, and I don’t like how these practices get in the way of proper mourning.
The last funeral I attended was for my best friend. For some unknown reason, she was placed in an open casket next to a gigantic picture of herself, looking young and healthy. The disparity between how alive she appeared in the photograph and how hideous she looked in death struck me like a blow. I can’t imagine she would’ve wanted to be seen in such a manner, on display like a melting mannequin.
Alas, that is an image I will never forget.
I’ve made it known to those close to me that I do not wish to have a funeral. I may love traipsing through cemeteries but I have no intention of being interred in one. Let my words, my friendships, my stories be my legacy. And when my life ends, I will be grateful to any who mourn. Just dispose of my body swiftly and efficiently, in a way that is helpful to the living. The dead have no use for pomp and circumstance.
