Several strings of Christmas lights circle the ceiling of our library. At night, these are the only lights I use in the entire house. They provide a soft, beautiful glow that feels almost like candlelight. Very hygge.
Depending on the quality of the batch — and whether Mercury is in retrograde — the lights last for six months to a year. Inevitably, the bulbs will burn out after being used night after night. First, the bulbs will burn brighter, like a star ready to explode, and then they’ll simply wink out. The lights don’t all darken at once, either. Usually a dozen or two will give up the ghost and over time the others will follow.
When the room is half-dark, M will swap out the strings. It’s a painful process, involving ladders and profanity, but he does it because he enjoys their warm luminosity. Also because he loves me.
We had our first sign of string extinction in January. Last night, the shadows spread even further down the line. The practical side of me knows this just means it’s time to switch out the lights. The more fanciful side of me wonders if it’s a portent.
A television show’s opening title sequence used to be a production. It would introduce the characters and provide a sense of the program’s genre. There’d often be a catchy theme song that would set the stage for the story or simply remind viewers that the show was about to begin. Sometimes there would even be a scene before the opening title sequence, so if you weren’t ready at exactly 8 p.m. or 9 p.m. or 10 p.m., you’d miss an important moment.
Do you remember the theme songs for “Family Ties,” “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” “Moonlighting” or “Cheers”? I’ll bet those catchy tunes are filed away in your brain attic, just waiting to become a future ear worm. Going back even farther, can you recall the lyrics to “Happy Days,” “The Jeffersons” or “The Greatest American Hero”? Next time you’re in a car with several friends, sing the first line from one of those theme songs and I’m betting everyone over the age of 30 will immediately join in.
Two of my favorite opening title sequences don’t even have lyrics. But when I heard the theme music for “ER” or “The X-Files,” I knew I was in for some compelling storytelling.
Then there’s the granddaddy of openers: “Law & Order.” As all diehards know, “the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups, the police who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.” That intro was straight and to the point. It perfectly encapsulated what the viewer was about to watch. But the show didn’t really begin until you heard the DUN DUN:
Opening title sequences now seem like relics. Few programs have them any more. And those that do, particularly shows on streaming services, feature the option to “SKIP INTRO.” Even though I’m a fan of openers, I’ve clicked that button many times. Generally, I’ll watch the opening title sequence once and then skip it every time afterwards, particularly when I’m binge-watching a series. I already know what’s happened in the previous episode — I just watched it — and I’m well aware of who the cast is. Let’s go!
There are four exceptions to this rule:
1) “Sense8”: First of all, if you haven’t watched this show, do so immediately. It’s from the same team that created “The Matrix.” The opening is gorgeous and offers a glimpse into our strange and wonderful world. (One small aside: “Sense8” was, infuriatingly, canceled by Netflix and that is something I’ll never forgive.)
2) “Last Week Tonight With John Oliver”: During each opening sequence, the background titles change with the news and the sketches featured on the show. However, there’s also a special title card highlighting something good, bad, sad or odd that happened during the previous week. I’m always curious to see what’s going to be featured.
3) “Evil”: The visuals and music are appropriately brooding, gothic, bloody, dramatic and gorgeous. If that’s your jam, watch and enjoy. If you’re binging, a “SKIP INTRO” button will appear. No matter what, do not click it or ghosts/demons/monsters will haunt you.
4) “The Great British Baking Show”: I love everything about this opener. In 19 seconds, there’s baking, whimsical music and then CAKE! Watch it and you know you’re in for some good, old-fashioned, kind-hearted, educational programming.
“Every now and then it’s nice to pick your head up from your book, reacquaint yourself with the world around you, take a hard pass, and immediately go back to reading.” –Jonathan Edward Durham
Ever fill out a form online and then, in order to encrypt your information and safely share it with a faceless corporation, the technology demands that you prove your humanity?
Let’s be honest, that is both twisted and annoying.
But, it gets worse! Sometimes, you don’t click all of the right boxes. Or, the word you’re supposed to type is impossible to read because the letters are squished together. Either way, the damn algorithm devises a second or third puzzle for you to solve, just to prove you are not a robot.
It is at times like this that I start having conversations with my computer (his name is Sherlock).
“I am the human. You are the machine. If you want to remain in working order, I suggest you allow me to complete this simple task … or else.”
Perhaps computer programmers or AI should figure out a way to use all of the cookies already jammed into our browsers to solve this issue. Like, when you first unbox a new computer and turn it on, you can create a word or phrase to prove your personhood credentials.
In my case, all it needs to ask is: Do you like cilantro?
And my answer is, “Hell no. It is a disgusting weed that tastes like soap and ruins perfectly good dishes. Now let me finish this task and move on with my life.”
